一篇外籍專家對TWE文章的評改報告

The following TOEFL essay was written by a non-native English speaker. Note

the way the essay was analyzed for

content, organization and grammar.

TOEFL Essay Question-------------題目

Supporters of technology say that it solves problems and makes life better.

Opponents argue that technology creates new problems that may threaten or da

mage the quality of life. Using one or two examples, discuss these two posit

ions. Which view of technology do you support? Why?

Student’s unedited answer------學(xué)生例文

Technology is improved especially in developed countries. Our lives is conne

cted to technology. Technology is used in everyday life. People use it in d

ifferent ways. It can make our lives better, but it can be cruel if it’s us

ed for bad purposes.

First, technology makes our lives better because it serves us well and helps

us save time. As we can see one of well-known inventions is internet. For e

xample, in the developed countries, Internet are used in everyday life. It’

s used in schools and businesses because it provides a lot of information ab

out anything all over the world.

On the other hand, technology can be very dangerous for us. Because of its a

bility of finding information, our personal information can no longer be sec

ret. For instance, computer is used to keep most of the information. In othe

r cases, hackers can search to our secret file and steal the information via

computer. Another example is that some companies can search and find infor

mation about us just by our credit card receipts or checks. That could make

our lives worse than before.

In short, technology gives us many advantages.

----------------------------------專家的修改

Analysis of student’s answer

Content

A. Understanding the question

You must discuss both sides of the issue and then tell which side you suppor

t. In your answer, you did discuss both sides, but you did not tell which v

iew of technology you supported.

B. Restating the question

Your first paragraph is a good attempt to restate the question but it does n

ot include all the information from the original question. Here is an examp

le of a restatement of the question:

Some people feel that technology enhances our lives and others feel technolo

gy is damaging to our lives. We are connected to technology. Computers, te

levision, and cars are all the result of technology. It can make our lives

better, however, it can be bad if it’s used for negative purposes.

C. Body paragraphs and final paragraph

Be sure each paragraph in the body of your essay begins with a main idea (or

topic sentence) and is followed by support and examples. The last sentence

of each paragraph should be a concluding sentence.

You have good ideas, but you should include more examples in the body of the

essay. In body paragraph #1, provide more information about how technology

helps us save time and add a concluding sentence. Here is an example of wh

at you could include:

For example, students can use the internet to research information for term

papers. They can also access information about colleges and universities, b

ook reviews, news and weather, famous people...the list is endless. Busines

ses also benefit from the internet. They can reach a global audience with t

heir products and services. In addition, they can go online and examine the

ir competitors’ products, services and prices. The benefits of technology a

re numerous.

Body paragraph #2 needs a clearer concluding sentence. For example:

Using technology for this type of negative purpose causes us lots of problem

s and makes our lives difficult.

Your final paragraph should summarize your main ideas and include your view

of technology. You have not done that. Here is an example of a possible fi

nal paragraph:

In short, there are both positive and negative aspects to technology. I sup

port the continued development of technology because the advantages outweigh

the disadvantages. I feel that technology is needed to help us move forwar

d. Without it, our lives will remain stagnant.

Organization

Good overall essay organization. Good use of transitions such as first, on

the other hand, in short. Organization within paragraphs is good. You begi

n with the main idea and then give support. Remember to include a concludin

g sentence for each paragraph.

Grammar

Your grammar is not bad. You should focus on improving your subject-verb ag

reement and word choice. Below are examples of these two grammatical proble

ms taken from your essay.

Subject-Verb Agreement

Paragraph 1: our lives is (should be) our lives are

Paragraph 2: internet are used (should be) internet is used

Paragraph 3: computer is used (should be) computers are used

Word Choice

Paragraph 1: cruel (better choice:) bad

Paragraph 1: bad (better choice:) negative

Paragraph 3: ability of finding (better choice:) capable of finding

Understanding your TOEFL score

The TOEFL test is the Test of English as a Foreign Language. This test is r

equired for entrance to universities and colleges in the United States. The

computer based test (CBT) is composed of four sections: listening, reading

, structure (grammar) and essay writing. You will receive three scores; one

for listening, one for reading and a combined score for structure and essay

writing. Your TOEFL essay will comprise one-half of your structure/writin

g score.

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT THAT YOU CAN WRITE A GOOD ESSAY!

 

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