外企員工的標準英文辭職報告

　　as a graduate of an institution of higher education, i have a few very basic expectations. chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. after your consistent and annoying harassment of my co-workers and me during the commission of our duties, i can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.

　　asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything i do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. i was hired because i know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of cut and paste for the hundredth time.

　　you will never understand computers. something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. you will also never understand why people hate you, but i am going to try and explain it to you, even though i am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an ip address is. your shiny new imac has more personality than you ever will.

　　you walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. you have a sharp dressed, useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. in a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. managers like you are a sad proof of the dilbert principle.

　　since this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, i am forced to tender my resignation. however, i have a few parting thoughts.

　　1. when someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad recommendation. the most you can say to hurt me is i prefer not to comment. i will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because i know you would be unable to do it on your own.

　　2. i have all the passwords to every account on the system, and i know every password you have used for the last five years. if you decide to get cute, i am going to publish your favorites list, which i conveniently saved when you made me back up your useless files. i do believe that terms like lolita are not usually viewed favorably by the administration.

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